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Series: A Prayer for the Weary & Worn Down — Part 1 of 3

Sat, 12 Jul 2025 03:02:03 GMT

When Exhaustion Turns Ugly

A woman drove a little too fast and I let her know it. I yelled at her. Then I yelled some more. People seated in the coffee shop patio nearby stopped to stare at the angry guy in the parking lot. They stopped mid-sentence. So did the staffer I was walking with. She just looked at me. I was unraveling and anyone could see it. Even someone as blind as me.

My mom would say about one of us and our spouse, “I don’t know how you got such a nice one, because you’re not very nice.” She didn’t talk behind your back; she’d say it to your face.

I’ve always thought I was nice, and I can be—to get what I want. At that time in my career, I wasn’t. I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was that was getting under my skin. As is the case with the human heart, it was complicated. But yesterday, I saw something.

I had coffee with a friend at the scene of the crime. I parked in the very parking lot and walked the exact path to the patio I had crossed that day over five years ago. I have a theory that going to places where things happened earlier in life can stir things for us. We creatives love this, though it’s like going back to the marshy lagoon where you first saw that swamp thing emerge. Yikes.

I remembered how I was running on fumes back then, worn down by budget meetings and number crunching. I hate numbers. In school, they documented how delinquent I was -- how late I arrived, the fees I still owed, that grade point average. Later it was bills and bad medical reports --high PSA and Gleason scores, plus that number 2 in “stage 2 cancer.”

Numbers rarely add up in my favor.

Now other numbers were painting me into a corner. Not just numbers with dollar signs and decimal points, but the numbers on the calendar and on my Enneagram. I got my call to pastoral ministry in high school. By age 58, I’d been preparing for or doing church work for two-thirds of my life. My therapist said, “You’re an Enneagram 7 and you’ve been at your church 21 years? That doesn’t happen.”

Turns out I’d beaten the odds but was past my shelf life.

(To be continued next week…)

3 Kinds of Problems

Sat, 19 Apr 2025 14:19:52 GMT

Wouldn’t it be nice if Christians were always nice? If we always got along?

But if you’ve been around for a while, you know that’s not always the case.

Seasoned veterans of ministry can tell war stories about life on the mission field, in church staffs, and throughout congregational life. I once heard Howard Hendricks say:

“To dwell above with the saints we love, 

O that will be glory; 

but to dwell below with the saints I know

— well, that’s a different story.”

That quote shows you the value of seasoned saints — they’ve seen some things. One of those saints in my life is my mentor and friend, Les Avery.

Les once told me:

“Steve, there are three kinds of problems you’ll encounter in church life: management problems, relationship problems, and spiritual problems. You get in trouble when you try to solve one kind of problem with a different kind of solution.”

That insight has stuck with me for decades. And it’s never been more relevant.

The 3 Kinds of Problems

Here’s a breakdown of Les’s framework:

��️ Management Problems

These are about systems or logistics. Think:

Dirty dishes left in the church kitchen
Double-booked rooms
Communication breakdowns

They’re practical, solvable — if you treat them that way.

�� Relationship Problems

These arise when:

Blind spots go unchecked
Trust is broken
Tensions rise
People stop listening

Relational issues need relational repair, not just better policies.

�� Spiritual Problems

These emerge when we miss the mark on a heart level — when we:

Drift from the Jesus way of relating
Compromise integrity
Let pride, apathy, or judgment rule the room

Saint Margaret’s Parking Spot

Let me tell you a story.

At one of my first churches, there was a beloved senior saint named Margaret. She was known for her fabulous Sunday hats and her warm presence.

One Sunday morning, during a business meeting, Margaret made her way to the microphone and said:

“There aren’t enough parking spaces for us Senior Adults.”

After she explained her concern, our pastor asked:

“Margaret, are you making a motion?” 

She answered:

 “I’m making a fuss!”

Everyone laughed — but the trustees took her seriously. They doubled the number of Senior-designated parking spots. Margaret was happy. Problem solved.

Now, imagine a different reaction:

“Margaret, the children of Israel walked for 40 years. You can walk two blocks.” Or, “Margaret, why don’t you pray to Jesus for contentment and a cheerful spirit?”

That would’ve taken a management issue (parking) and tried to fix it with a spiritual response (contentment). And it would’ve backfired — relationally and maybe even spiritually.

Misdiagnosed Problems Hurt People

Have you ever had a real, tangible concern only to be told you need to adjust your attitude? That’s dismissive. It turns one kind of problem into three.

I’ve seen it happen too many times:

Someone brings up a practical issue and gets spiritualized into silence.
A hurt or offense gets brushed off with “let’s just pray about it.”
Mismanagement is labeled as rebellion.
Misbehavior is swept under the rug.

Before long, staff resign, members drift away, and some even walk away from the faith altogether.

It’s like trying to put out fires with lighter fluid . 

No bueno.

So What About You?

Think about something you’re dealing with right now — at home, at church, or in your circle of influence.

What kind of problem is it? 

How are you trying to deal with it?

Let’s get practical.

✅ If it’s a management issue...

Clarify the process. Adjust the system. Improve the plan.

✅ If it’s a relationship issue...

Slow down. Seek to understand. Rebuild trust with empathy.

✅ If it’s a spiritual issue...

Pray. Repent. Return to the heart of God and the heart of the matter.

A Real-World Example

Let’s say a staff member is accused of inappropriate behavior.

Good management checks the facts before jumping to conclusions.
Good relationship gives people the benefit of the doubt and holds space for both grace and truth.
Good spiritual leadership enters with prayerful humility, treating others as you would want to be treated — even in crisis.

Missteps compound. And what starts as one kind of problem can snowball into all three.

Reflect + Respond

So let me ask you:

Can you name the problem?
Is it managerial, relational, or spiritual?
Are you using the right kind of solution for the kind of problem you're facing?

�� One of my signature sayings is this:

There’s no situation so bad you can’t make it worse. But there’s always time to reconsider the errors of our ways.

��️ I’d love to hear your thoughts, stories, or questions. Drop them in the comments below or share this article with someone who’s trying to lead well in the real world.

Want more practical wisdom for your leadership journey?
Subscribe to my newsletter or explore coaching options for teams and individuals navigating messy, meaningful work.

Vital Friend #4: The Friend Who Walks With You (The Companion)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:58:23 GMT

“Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.” (Proverbs 18:24, NLT)

Some friends don’t play games. They’re all-in with you and they’re in it for the long haul. We call them Companions.

The Companion is someone who…

is always there for you, whatever the circumstances
you share a bond with, one that is virtually unbreakable
you call when something big happens, whether good or bad
can sense where you’re headed before you you know it yourself
takes pride in your relationship and will sacrifice for your benefit
you might be willing to put your life on the line for (Tom Rath, Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without)

An example of this is the friendship between my mom and my Aunt Lali, pictured here with my famously good-looking Uncle Charlie. They met as young women. Soon they were young moms, then parents of teenagers. We’ve got photos of them in every season of life. Why? Because they stuck together through thick and thin. That’s what Companion friends do.

Here’s what you need to know if you want to have (and to become) a Companion.

You May Not Have Much in Common at First

Someone has said that behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. Someone else has said that there is one difference between an in-law and an outlaw…an outlaw is wanted. Of course, such things might be more humorous if they were not so true. We don’t always find it easy to earn the respect of our in-laws.

Which makes it all the more remarkable that a book of the Bible is named after a daughter-in-law. That book is the Book of Ruth, which tells the story of a heartbroken woman’s friendship with her daughter-in-law. It’s inspiring, poetic, and redemptive, but it didn’t start out that way.

At the outset, Naomi and Ruth didn’t have much in common. They were from different generations, countries, and religions. They spoke different languages and had different ways of looking at things. All the two women had in common was Naomi’s son, whom Ruth had married. When he died, it appeared there was nothing left to bind them.

Still, they persisted. They survived and in the end, they thrived.

Don’t write people off just because they’re younger or older than you. Value people who have a different background than you do. Even when things start out kind of bumpy, don’t rush to judgment. Your disappointments may become God’s appointments. You may discover that someone who seems like an odd duck is actually an angel in disguise.

We never know what God has up his sleeve.

Some Endings Are Necessary

In his book, Necessary Endings, Henry Cloud talks about “the employees, businesses, and relationships that all of us have to give up in order to move forward.” Sometimes relationships must come to an end.

Think of the way gardeners prune their rose bushes. They cut away diseased or competing branches and prune dead or dying stems. Wny? So the plant can flourish. With careful pruning, a wilting plant can blossom. Dr. Cloud explains how the same is true for humans and their relationships. Life changes. People change. We change. Sometimes we have to do some pruning.

Naomi’s life seemed pruned to the root. After the LORD gave her a husband and two sons, he took them away. She said, “The Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me” (Ruth 1:21, NASB). Since both boys had married and she had two daughters-in-law, Naomi encouraged both young widows to look out for themselves and go home. When one of them did, Naomi kissed her and blessed her. It was a painful but necessary ending to their very tender relationship.

There Will Be Forks in the Road

A friendship doesn’t have to be unhealthy for an ending to be necessary. Sometimes life places a fork in the road.

Yogi Berra famously said, “When you see a fork in the road, take it.” Whatever he meant by that, there is a truth to accept: sometimes circumstances force your hand and you have to make choices. Changes lead to other changes which affect many other things.

For example, taking a new job may change where you work. If you’re not in the cubicle next door you may not have lunch with the same group of friends. This may not be easy, but it’s natural. It’s how it must be. It’s a necessary ending. Sometimes, when you really love somebody, you have to let them go. That’s why Naomi could look into the teary eyes of a beloved daughter-in-law and let her go.

All you can do is embrace, weep, and say a tearful goodbye.

It’s Not About Luck

“Luck has nothing to do with it because I have spent many, many hours, countless hours, on the court working for my one moment in time, not knowing when it would come.” – Serena Williams

The ball may bounce one way or another. You may get bad breaks or benefit from those bounces. But you don’t get into a Grand Slam tennis tournament on the basis of pure luck. Serena worked hard to get there. That’s the way it is for people with successful careers or relationships. It takes a lot of hard work to make things work.

Bonnie and I are lucky to have each other, but you don’t stay together for 38 years due to luck. It’s about countless hours of working on a relationship. When I started my coaching business, someone said, “The way to win the game is to stay in the game.” In other words, if you want to be successful, don’t quit.

Ruth didn’t quit. She could have walked away but chose to stay. Again, there is a time to do leave. One of Naomi’s daughters-in-law left and there was no shame in it. The other didn’t and has a book of the Bible named after her.

Naomi thought it was time to part company, but Ruth saw things differently. She felt they didn’t share a past, but a future. She felt that their common loss made them perfect companions. As God began to coordinate a series of unlikely events, both women drew closer to him and to one another.

In the end, theirs became one of the beautiful friendships in Scripture. From it, we get the famous statement that says,

“Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried” (Ruth 1:16-17).

Treasure Your Companions

My mom and my precious Aunt Lali were together through life — through every age and stage — true friends for over sixty years. Lots of people have sisters-in-law, but these two were so much more. They were companions, sharing one another’s joys and sorrows right up to last year when my mom went home to be with Jesus.

Companion friends are priceless. Priceless means rare. You may not have large numbers of Companion friends, so when you do, be sure to treasure them.

Takeaways

Can you name loyal, long-term companions who have been good to you? Cherish them. Tell them. Make time for them.
Are there friends with whom it’s time for a necessary ending? Love them. Bless them. Let them go.
Are you a Companion friend? A loyal friend to the end? Be the friend you hope to have.

Vital Friend #5: The Friend Who Opens Doors For You (The Connector)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:47:37 GMT

Mike was in a bad place. He was heartbroken after an arduous courtship. Everyone has a story of unrequited love, but Mike’s was unique in that the object of his affections wasn’t a person, but a church. He’d applied for a pastoral position and been rejected. I met Mike at this point in his life and remember how bummed out he was. Fortunately, in those very same days, Mike got a phone call from a fellow seminary student (and the hero of this article), Roger Korsten.

“The thing is,” Mike told me over coffee, “I didn’t even know Roger at that time. Yet his phone call changed the trajectory of my life.”

The day Mike met Roger was a good day. It was the day he met a Connector.

What Is the Connector?

In Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without , Tom Rath says that the Connector is “a bridge builder who helps you get what you want.” How? By getting to know you and introducing you to others. Wikipedia calls them, “the social equivalent of a computer network hub. Connectors usually know people across an array of social, cultural, professional, and economic circles, and make a habit of introducing people who work or live in different circles.”

In Mike’s story, Roger was the Connector who knew about a job opening, learned about Mike, and gave him a call. “I was in a dark place,” Mike confessed, “but Roger didn’t know about that. He’d heard good things about me and encouraged me to apply for the position.”

Tom Rath adds, “When you need something — a job, a doctor, a friend, or a date — a Connector points you in the right direction. Connectors are very social and use their connections to help others. They do many good things for many people.

But they can be hard to see.

Recognize the Connectors in Your Story

“Connectors aren’t primary characters,” Mike observed. “They’re like angels, playing supportive roles. Divine messengers. Ministering spirits.”

He’s right about that. Connectors look out for you, help you out, and hook you up. There are no strings attached, they don’t keep score, they don’t seek center stage or demand recognition. For these reasons, like angels of God, they’re easy to miss (Hebrews 13:2).

“It’s crazy how significant Roger’s role in my life was. Without his phone call, I don’t know of an opening at Corona Presbyterian Church, so I don’t apply. If I’m not there, how do I meet the legendary Five Iron Frenzy? And would there even be a Scum of the Earth Church?

Mike takes a sip of coffee and adds, “But what’s occurring to me right now is that I’ve never formally thanked Roger for his role in all that.”

“Why don’t you do it now?” I asked. And Mike picks up his phone and crafts this text:

“Hey Roger: I’m sitting here at Panera Bread Company with Steve Garcia talking about how important your phone call to me was in the autumn of 1994 (when we had never even met). Because I got hired at Corona, the whole trajectory of my life changed. I’ve never thanked you for calling me that day and asking me to apply for the Singles’ Pastor job. Thanks, Roger. You started a HUGE chapter in my story that continues to this day.”

It was a great moment. And it got even better.

Put a Spotlight on the Magic They Work

A few minutes after he sent his text, Mike’s phone rang. It was Roger. We put him on speakerphone and entered a really magical moment, catching up about him, his family, and his new church in Raleigh, North Carolina. We talked about that phone call and his way of connecting people.

“That’s the way I’ve always been,” he said. “I’ve always looked around and wondered: ‘Is God doing something here? Let’s check it out.” When a congregant told me about her personal ministry, I thought, ‘How can we integrate this with the church? Would you like to share this with the church?’ I’m trying to be the connecting point and see who can come alongside and support her.”

I’m not wired like that. That’s not how I roll, but I’m in awe of how Roger does. He sees the need of one person and how meeting it can bring joy to another. “There are people who don’t dream up projects of their own but need to be part of something meaningful,” Roger explained. “If I can get people involved and find people who have the right gifts to make a connection and get things going, everybody wins.”

Connectors don’t do what they do to be seen by the rest of us, but it’s a good thing to notice and be grateful, as Mike was.

And perhaps God can give all of us eyes to see what he’s up to and join in. With his help, we can all do the work of a Connector.

Takeaway Questions:

Who has helped you along the way?
Who have you been able to help?
How can you be an angel in someone’s life today?

Takeaway Actions:

Call or text a Connector friend and say, “Thank you.”
Make a list of those you’ve been able to help. Stop and savor your partnership with God.
Use your current position and place to support someone’s vision.

Friend #7 : The Friend You Learn From (The Mind-Opener)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:42:18 GMT

Nothing says warmth and comfort like a fireplace scene on a holiday TV show. One of my favorite scenes is in the Saturday Night Live sketch called, “Best Christmas Ever.” In this one, Matt Damon and Cecily Strong play a happy couple, snuggling by the fire, reflecting on the Christmas Day from hell. They did their best to reframe a rough day and focus on the good in it. If you can relate to that, I empathize.

(Click to see the SNL sketch on YouTube)

Friendship brings joys and challenges. Friends may comfort or confront us. If it’s done right, we’ll be better for it. This is what Proverbs 17:17 means when it says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another” (New Living Translation).

Today I want to offer help for your holiday gatherings. Perhaps you may see or be Vital Friend #7 — the friend who helps you learn and grow, The Mind Opener.

See The Mind-Opener

In Vital Friends: Eight Friends You Can’t Live Without , Tom Rath says that the Mind Opener can…

Expand your horizons
Expose you to new ideas, cultures, and opportunities
Shed light on blind spots and gaps in your thinking
Challenge you to think in innovative ways and create positive change
Ask hard questions
Make you think outside the box (no judgment)
Challenge conventional wisdom and shake up the status quo

Do you have a Mind Opener friend or two? Can you name them? If not, beware. Don’t insulate yourself from honest feedback or silence the corrective voice.

Free the Mind Opener

When we were raising our boys, my sweet Bonnie and I would sometimes scuffle. When that happened, my boys would frequently take their mother’s side. On one such occasion, words were spoken and Bonnie got up and left the room.The boys looked down, then looked up at me. “What?” I asked. “Why am I always the one who has to apologize?” After a moment, one of them said, “Because you’re always the one who says something wrong.” Punk kids.

My boys were inviting me to consider an alternative point of view. Those of us in authority should listen now and then. We should stay humble, lest we play the fool like King Ahab. He complained about the prophet Micaiah, saying, “I hate him because he never prophesies anything good about me, but always bad” (1 Kings 22:8).

Mike Sares describes certain congregants as, “Brother Brillo Pad and Sister Sandpaper.” They can be abrasive and rub us the wrong way, but they challenge us to be better. So long as they speak to us with love and respect, we should let them give us input.

But since that’s not always the case, we may find it elusive to experience the best Thanksgiving ever. I have a suggestion that might help with that.

Your Thanksgiving Table

I know how hard the holidays can be right now.

Many of us are missing loved ones who are far away or gone forever. We may also sit across the table from folks who see the world differently than we do. We may love one another dearly, yet disagree passionately. What do we do when we see things differently? In times like these, we need the Mind Opener more than ever.

I suggest we consider one of the great Mind Openers of the 20th century, Nelson Mandela. As you may recall, Mandela spent 27 years in South African prisons for standing against racism and social inequities. Yet he said, “I never lose. I either win or I learn.”

You may not be able to change anyone’s mind this holiday season. But maybe that’s not the assignment we have anyway. Maybe we are there to have our own minds opened and to listen with a sincere and humble goal — to learn.

Our holiday tables would become more gracious and transformational if we all took a page from this towering figure, this heroic Mind Opener.

Takeaways…

Do you have friends or family members who help you consider other points of view?
Are you humble enough to listen and learn?
Do you help others consider alternative views or make tense situations worse?

Please leave a comment in the box below.

PS I am so grateful for the urban Christian leaders we have been able to support and strengthen in 2021. Next week, please keep an eye on your Inbox for a special Update from me.

Vital Friend #6: The Friend You Have Fun With (The Energizer)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:42:13 GMT

Do you remember Debbie Downer, the SNL character famously played by Rachel Dratch? Debbie had a knack for dropping depressing comments while hanging out with her friends.

When someone says, “Happy New Year!” Debbie might add, “One year closer to death.” At “Happy Mother’s Day!” Debbie might share, “Did you know that 91% of nursing homes lack adequate staff to properly care for their patients?”

Debbie first appeared the night Lindsay Lohan hosted the show. Ready for a great time at Disney World, Debbie’s friends (played by Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler, Keenan Thompson, and others) weren’t ready for the drooping sad trombone “wah-wah” sound which followed each of Debbie’s miserable comments, nor the deadpan expressions on Debbie’s face, and fought back tears of laughter the whole sketch. My favorite moment was when Debbie randomly announced, “By the way, it’s official. I can’t have children” and Jimmy Fallon buried his head in his hands. Good times.

Reminds me of what CS Lewis described when he said, “The sun looks down on nothing half so good as a household laughing together over a meal.”

Laughter with friends is the gift of the Energizer.

The Gift of a Fun Friend

All of our friends should be fun. That’s what friends are for. Of course, we all carry heavy loads so we can’t be in a fun mood all the time. But Energizers kind of are. Whether due to a quirky personality or early childhood and well-honed coping mechanism, Energizers seem to see the humor in things. As my mentor Kevin Huggins once said, “If you don’t laugh, you cry.”

For Debbie, the glass wasn’t half empty. It got knocked over, rolled off the table, and shattered into 1,000 pieces. She brought a bucket of cold water to pour over every joyful moment. But that’s not how Energizers roll. They see the glass as full and they carry around a pitcher to top yours off. And you look forward to getting together with them so you can relax, have a good time, and laugh.

Energizers aren’t necessarily clowns or the life-of-the-party at every moment. It’s more an outlook on life than a personality type, I think. Tom Rath says, “Energizers come in all shapes and sizes. Some are outgoing…while others quietly energize you.” Les Avery would describe the magic of an Energizer as the ability to “bring the light touch.”

Can you see an Energizer or two in your life?

The Sacrament of a Joyful Moment

In times like these, we can really use an Energizer.

We’ve all been through so much that we need to lighten up whenever we can. I think there’s something holy about an enjoyable evening free of duty and responsibility. Servant leaders especially need moments when they don’t have to attend to others or fix what’s wrong with the world. We all need permission to place our failures, headaches, and heartaches on the back burner and allow the goodness and grace of God to take center stage. This is illustrated by what Nehemiah said to his people:

“Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).

Good soul care calls us to see the sacredness in everything. Not just the bread and cup of the Eucharist, but our common meals, or a cup of coffee as we catch up with a friend — all are gifts from God, joys to be savored.

Three hundred years ago, Jean-Pierre de Caussade wrote of “The Sacrament of the Present Moment.” With an Energizer friend, you can celebrate the Sacrament of a Joyful Moment.

See the Energizer, Be the Energizer

I hope some friends are coming to mind for you. I hope you have eyes to see how your brother brings that moment of silly escape, how your sister shares a humorous meme or your best friend at work shares that well-timed word. Enjoy those moments and give yourself permission to see the humor in things.

As Thanksgiving approaches, thank God for all your Vital Friends. The Champion, the Companion, the Connector, and others — rejoice in them all. And don’t forget the friends who make you smile

For your part, be you. You don’t need to be funny to be a good friend. Just be your best self as often as you can. And since the fruit of the Spirit is joy, ask him to produce that fruit in you. Whenever you can share gladness to brighten your world, it’s a good thing.

TAKEAWAYS

Who lifts your spirits? (Find a way to make sure they know what that means to you)
Are you gifted at doing so for others? (Ask the Holy Spirit to produce the fruit of joy for you to share)
Think of the Sacrament of a joyful moment. (Stop and savor that memory now)

The Friend Who Gives You Guidance – The Navigator (Vital Friend #8)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:30:09 GMT

Leslie Higgins is a man without a desk. When introduced in season one of Ted Lasso, he’s the object of derision for his boss, the butt of endless jokes, a loveable doormat. But in a defining moment, he takes a stand and is a man transformed. Everyone loves an unlikely hero and Leslie Higgins (winsomely played by Jeremy Swift) transforms into exactly that. How? By listening to his heart and obeying his conscience, whatever the cost. In time, he becomes a voice of humble wisdom others come to for guidance, a vital friend…a Navigator.

Can You See the Navigator?

Navigators are the friends who give you guidance.

Got a big decision to make? Need someone to help you cut through the clutter? Do you want to focus on what matters most? Are you tired of getting in your own way and making regrettable decisions?

Call on a Navigator. These are the friends who help you think things through and take the right steps.

Can you see your Navigators? They won’t walk wearing a pin that says, “Ask me. I’m a Navigator.” You need to be on the lookout. Look for your most faithful friends and wonderful counselors. Look beyond the external and the superficial.

Mike Sares says, “This is what I think of when I think of a friend. They’re the people who listen to my struggles and give me advice.” Navigators may be your best friends of all.

Free the Navigator

Father Greg Boyle of Home Boy Ministries says, “We don’t help people who need help. We help people who want help.” Father Greg is a Navigator.

Such guiding friends don’t push their agenda on you. They encourage you to use your head, listen to your heart, and pay attention to your gut. They believe in you and trust you to make good decisions…and learn from bad ones.

Do you want help? Do you want to do the right thing right now? If not, you’re in danger of self-sabotage. Navigators may offer to guide you, but you’ll be too busy playing the fool to invite them in.

Seek solid as your Navigator friends. Invite them to listen and to speak into your life. A Navigator will help you remember who you are and operate as your best self.

Be the Navigator

One thing I loved about Season Two of Ted Lasso was how the characters experienced transformation. Some grew from weak to strong, others from nerdy to heroic. Some evolved from hard to humble, while others devolved from likable to lousy. The characters could be so humane, so there for one another. And while a therapist played a pivotal role in the show, most of the help came from everyday people, from friends, co-workers, teammates, or family.

You don’t need a counseling degree to be the Navigator. Just develop the qualities people need: wisdom, empathy, humility, proximity, vulnerability, optimism, realism, practicality, and genuine love. Skills and credentials can help, but it’s not so much your ability as your availability. You don’t have to have answers and you don’t need to fix things. Just be there, listen, and say what God gives you. If he doesn’t seem to give you words, don’t say any.

A Summary of Vital Friends

Thank you for engaging in my take on Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without , by Tom Rath. I hope you can see the gift these eight friends are to us all. They are:

The Builder is the friend who pushes you to be better.
The Champion stands up for you.
The Collaborator is the friend you have things in common with.
The Companion stays close for the long haul.
The Connector helps you get what you want.
The Energizer is the friend you have fun with.
The Mind Opener is the friend who helps you stay humble and eager to learn.
The Navigator is the friend who gives you guidance.

Takeaways (Use the Comments box below to tell me…)

Who is a vital friend in your life?
Which friends can you go to for guidance?
What kind of friend do you aspire to be?

Next Week… I will update you on the WINS of 2021 and WISHES for 2022. Thank you for helping us serve servant leaders!

An MLK Story

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:23:33 GMT

“Do you not know that a leader and a great man has fallen in Israel this day?” (2 Samuel 3:38)

I was seven years old when the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. I’ll never forget the non-stop announcements on the radio in our home. As a little boy in Whittier, California, I didn’t know who Dr King was. But I knew something serious had happened, that a great man had fallen.

For much of the next 50+ years, I still didn’t know who this man was. Nor did I understand what he died for or what kind of people would kill a man who fought for liberty and justice for all.

Then, in 2020, another black man, one of far too many, was murdered.

Seasons of Change

I didn’t know who George Floyd was at that time either, but something significant had happened once again. His death was part of a Kairos moment for me, a divine appointment. It coordinated with the departure from my church, the death of my mom, a worldwide pandemic, and divisions in our country more sickening than the virus. These events ushered in a season of isolation like I hadn’t known since I was a teen. Not since then had I felt so sad, depressed, and cut off. Fortunately, just as in my teen years, solitude was just what the doctor ordered. At fourteen, it led me to Christ; at fifty-eight, it led to my calling.

I recently had a heart-to-heart with an old friend. “I’ve changed,” I told him. “And it’s only fair that I let you know.”

That was the beginning of more conversations to come, conversations about my identity as a man of color. I remember a friend saying, “I don’t even think of you as a person of color.” That’s a problem. That’s on me. For too long I’ve been comfortable blending in and downplaying the fact that I’m the son of an immigrant. I love that heritage. I empathize with recent arrivals. I profoundly care about black, brown, and other people of color surviving and thriving. That’s a change.

There isn’t time here to unpack everything in my MLK story, but a couple of movies I saw over the holidays may help.

A Serious Movie Metaphor

One Night in Miami is about an event that never happened. It’s the fictionalized account of a party in a Miami hotel room attended by only four people — Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, Jim Brown, and Sam Cooke. In the story, these four famous black men of the 1960s gather to celebrate Ali’s victory over Sonny Liston… and a fight breaks out. It’s not a fight with fists but with words, a fight for the cause of racial justice in America. It’s a captivating story and if you haven’t seen it yet, you should.

I’ve often said, “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” but that’s not true anymore. Now I’m both. I fight for the hearts and souls, the health and well-being of people who serve people. They often get lost in the needs of others. They deal with difficult challenges and difficult people. As they prepare for another round in their fight, I want them to know that they have a coach in their corner. I love ‘em and I fight for ‘em.

A Holiday Movie Metaphor

More true to form, I also watched The Grinch this Christmas season. Who doesn’t love the story of the lovable rogue, despised and rejected by everyone in Whoville…except a little girl with eyes to see? As you recall, in a pivotal moment, the Grinch’s small heart grows three sizes in one day. He sees the light and all the mockers of Cindy Lou Who do too.

During the pandemic, my heart has grown three sizes too. It beats loud and steady for black and brown people, for women in leadership, and for urban Christian leaders of every make and model. It’s a joy to serve the people who serve the people.

“Thank you, Dr King, for answering the call, though it cost you your life. You couldn’t know the impact you would have on a seven-year-old in Southern California and on so many millions more. I hope my life somehow honors yours.”

Takeaways…

How about you?

What is Dr King’s legacy in your story?
How have you changed in the past year or two?
What is your calling? Why do you wake up every morning?
Seen any good movies lately?

Let me know at coaching@getyourbusinessdone.com or by clicking the box below.

Steve

The Girl Who Lost Her Voice

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 01:18:17 GMT

“I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.”

– Maya Angelou

Today, I present to you the one and only, Maya Angelou. As anxieties about a worldwide pandemic give way to anxieties about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, we can find strength in her story of hope and heroism. May this brief tribute inspire you to become the phenomenal person God has in mind for you to be.

Look Back Forgivingly

Marguerite Annie Johnson was born in 1928 in St Louis, Missouri. Her brother nicknamed her, “Maya,” as in “Mya sister.”

She grew up during the Great Depression and her teen years took place during World War II. It was a frightening, dangerous time in the world. But the greatest danger Maya would face lurked in her own home.

Maya’s parents broke up when she was very little. As a result, life became unstable for her. She was taken from her parents to live with her grandmother in relative comfort and safety, then back with her mom, where it was not safe.

The event that would scar her innocent life took place when her mother wasn’t around. On that horrific day, her mother’s boyfriend sexually abused and raped Maya. She was seven years old. When she told her brother what happened, he told the grown-ups, and the man went to jail briefly. When he was released after only one day, Maya’s uncles did not feel justice had been served. Four days later, the man was found murdered.

Young Maya blamed herself. As if she hadn’t suffered enough, she now felt responsible for the man’s death. So deep was her trauma that she stopped speaking and became mute. From the age of seven to twelve, she didn’t speak a word. In her biography, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, she explains: “I thought, my voice killed him; I killed that man, because I told his name. And then I thought I would never speak again, because my voice would kill anyone.”

During this silent period, she went back to live with her grandmother, who found a teacher for her. Under the nurture and tutelage of “Mrs. Bertha Flowers,” young Maya discovered her love for literature. Not only did Mrs. Flowers introduce school-age Maya to William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and Edgar Allan Poe but also to Black female writers like Frances Harper, Anne Spencer, and Jessie Fauset.

Furthermore, Mrs. Flowers said, “You do not love poetry, not until you speak it.” Maya did love poetry, so she spoke it, found her voice again, and the rest is history. She later wrote, “If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present gratefully.”

Reinvent Yourself Daily

In his book, Hero on a Mission, Donald Miller identifies four characters in every story — the victim, the villain, the hero, and the guide. He explains that in our own life stories, each of us will experience pain and somehow respond to it. How we respond determines what we will become — a helpless victim, a bullying villain, an inspiring hero, or a powerful guide. In her lifetime, Maya grew from victim to hero to beloved guide.

She once wrote: “Each of us has that right, that possibility, to invent ourselves daily. If a person does not invent herself, she will be invented. So, to be bodacious enough to invent ourselves is wise.”

Maya practiced the powerful, bodacious life she preached. She became a poet, a singer, a dancer, an activist, a professor, and an author. Her accomplishments are staggering:

Active in the Civil Rights Movement, working with Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X
Author of thirty-six books
Winner of three Grammys (for spoken poetry)
Awarded over 30 honorary degrees
Became the first African American woman in U.S. history to recite the presidential inaugural poem
Received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the USA’s highest civilian honor

She died in 2014, but her achievements continue. This year, 2022, her image was depicted on a quarter by the U.S. Mint — the first Black woman so honored. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said: “Each time we redesign our currency, we have the chance to say something about our country — what we value, and how we’ve progressed as a society. I’m very proud that these coins celebrate the contributions of some of America’s most remarkable women, including Maya Angelou.”

Artist Emily Damstra found inspiration in one of Maya’s most iconic poems, Still I Rise. On the quarter you see Maya in a majestic pose, like the dancer she was, arms widespread against the backdrop of a bird in flight, with rays of sunlight rising above her, sublimely. I imagine she would have loved it.

She may have been an innocent victim at one time, but she was bodacious enough to invent herself.

Live Life Bodaciously

This morning, children in Ukraine may awaken to the sounds of gunfire, the smell of smoke, and the sight of bombed-out buildings. Along with the national suffering, some children will have lost a loved one in the Russian assault. Some will lose their own lives.

Like young Maya, we live in a time of global unrest. It’s an anxious time for parents and our children are anxious. It’s not easy to be present gratefully. We find it difficult to look back forgivingly. It’s a challenge to look forward prayerfully, rather than fearfully. It’s hard to survive, much less thrive. So how can we live our lives bodaciously — boldly, fiercely, and valiantly?

Maya did it by writing. She processed her pain privately then told her story publicly. She was hurt and angry. Wounded by the violation of a wicked man towards an innocent girl, she was also indignant, furious that our young continue to be violated and that perpetrators continue to go unpunished. So she turned her pain into purpose, her anger into advocacy, and her catastrophe into compassion. I can hear the One called, “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief” say, “Go, thou, and do likewise.” And I say, “Amen. Amen. Yes.”

Maya rose to live bodaciously, saying, “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

One could do worse than to start every day with a prayer like this:

“Jesus, help me to not only survive but to thrive. To look back forgivingly, to reinvent myself daily, and to live my life bodaciously — with passion, compassion, humor, and style.”

Think about it…

What parts of Maya’s story touch you?
Which of her words move you?
How has life hurt you?
How might you invent yourself?
How will you live bodaciously?

If you would share your thoughts with me or this post with a friend, I would be so happy.

Steve – coaching@getyourbusinessdone.com

How to Get Unstuck (In Writing and In Life)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:39:18 GMT

“The writer’s job is to tell the truth.” – Ernest Hemingway

I’ve been stuck since the new year began. I had a writing rhythm and lost it. Once you lose your stride, it’s hard to regain it. If you feel like a kid who’s fallen off their bike and find it daunting to get back on it with your skinned knee and tear-stained face, you’re not alone.

In this brief conversation, I’ll give you three secrets for getting unstuck in writing and in life. Use them to rejuvenate your writing rhythms — and to reinvigorate friendship, marriage, and other relationships as well. Here’s how I do it.

Secret #1: Write Your Morning Pages

In her classic book, The Artist’s Way , Julia Cameron teaches the value of Morning Pages — “three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing, done first thing in the morning.”

She also calls them “Mourning Pages” because in them you can lament your losses.

I began doing this in 2020, the most painful year of my life. I sometimes write long-hand in a journal, other times I type into a password-protected app. It’s become writing therapy. And it’s writing for the soul because I’m not writing for an audience, just telling my truth.

Hemingway was a man’s man of the early 20th-century variety, yet he would become anxious about writing. So he told himself, “Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”

That’s what you do with Morning Pages. You write true sentences about your wins and losses — the good, the bad, and the mixed. Whatever comes to mind.

Secret #2: Keep It To Yourself

Julia Cameron says your Morning Pages are “for your eyes only.”

Some suggest you write your true feelings down, then immediately toss them into a roaring fire, since that’s the only to write without fear. Whatever your approach, write how you truly feel, remembering that you don’t have to share it, now or ever. As you write for your eyes only, you’ll write freely and courageously.

Of course, you may choose to share your Morning Pages with others. When I’ve really nailed it, identifying just how I feel about something deep, I’ve occasionally read an entry to Bonnie (my wife and the person I trust most in the world). I’m surprised by three things:

how clear my writing is when uninhibited,
how jarring it can be to Bonnie, and
how it gives her permission to feel her own feelings.

Recently, I read Bonnie a sentence that said, “I hate someone” (though I didn’t write “someone” but that person’s name). I heard her gasp. Then she said. “Me too.”

Your truth is yours to share with anyone you feel safe with. But as you write it, that’s not the plan. So forget about spelling, grammar, or propriety. Write like no one’s watching because no one is.

What happens in your Morning Pages stays in your Morning Pages.

Secret #3: The Truth Will Get You Unstuck

It’s been said, “When you lie to people, you’re deceptive; when you lie to yourself, you’re delusional.”

But when you stop and write just one true sentence, when you write the truest sentence you know, something awakens within you and you become less and less stuck. St. Irenaeus said that the glory of God is a human being “fully alive,” and that’s what you become when you tell the truth.

To be clear, I never tell the truth . I never know what that is. It’s not like what I feel is the truth, just my version of it. It’s like a car crash—I may have witnessed it, but not from all sides. Someone on the other street corner had a different view and the people inside the cars had a different view yet. As time passes, the facts may get hazy. That’s how it is with our stories; they’re part fact, part feeling, and many flawed memories.

But what of it? King David trafficked in imperfections, wallowed in self-pity, and fell prey to his passions. Yet he wrote the Psalms. “They’re out to get me,” he might say in one moment. “Slay the wicked, but have mercy on me,” he pleads. Then he has the gall to say, “My hands are clean.” This is a man writing the truest sentences he knows and we love him for it. He tells his truth and lets God work on him. We should do the same.

Morning Pages open up the stuck faucet of the heart. What emerges won’t be pretty — it’s the sludge and sediment that block our arteries. But as we tell our truth, we clear the pipes so the clean water can run freely.

Takeaways

Morning Pages are a safe place for you to tell your truth without fear of judgment. You may feel uncomfortable doing it, uneasy about your honesty… or totally vindicated. What you won’t feel is stuck. You will tell yourself the truth and the truth will set you free.

So how about it? Will you try it? You can do it now, briefly, in minutes.

Go find your journal.
Write one true sentence.
Repeat.

I’d love to hear how it goes. Leave a comment on my blog page or write me at coaching@getyourbusinessdone.com

Your Circle of Trust: What Is It? (Pt 1 of 3)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:33:57 GMT

“But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you’ve been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call, ‘the Byrnes family circle of trust.’ I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me…and round and round we go.”

In the comedy classic, Meet The Parents, Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro) is an intimidating dad who makes life miserable for his daughter’s would-be fiancé, Greg (Ben Stiller). I can’t remember too many times when an entire theater howled with laughter for two hours, but it happened with this one. Someone has called comedy, “a painful story told playfully” and that’s what you get here.

A running gag has to do with the Byrnes Family “Circle of Trust.” It was a notion cooked up by Jack Byrnes to describe his paranoid approach to fatherhood, family, and friendship. I do not recommend Jack’s approach. But I would like to use that same term in a different way and propose that you need your own “Circle of Trust.” And you need it now.

Your Inner Circle

Your Circle of Trust is your inner circle. It’s made up of your go-to friends, confidantes, and homies. Are they fun? Maybe. Are they affectionate? Ideally. The important things are that they are experienced, wise, know you, love you, are in your corner, can keep a confidence, and will tell you the truth. That last one is big. You need people you can trust to tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.

Who are those people for you?

Think about the last time you made an important decision. Did you get wisdom and counsel from the people who know you best and love you most? If you’re smart you did. Especially if the decisions you made really mattered and you wanted to get it right. I learned this last year, big time.

My Big Leap Year

Who will ever forget the intensity of 2020? It was a year of pandemics, protests, and politics. It was also the year I quit my job, lost my mom, and launched my business full-time. Like you, I was reacting to a lot of things I couldn’t control. But I was also the agent in my big leap.

Quitting and business-building come with no guarantees. Big Leaps rarely do. I had to search my soul, count the cost, and really pray. I also made sure to gather my Circle of Trust. That included my precious wife, my closest friends, and some seasoned professionals because I wanted to do the right thing in the right way. One cool discovery I made was that my boys had grown up to become thoughtful young men whom I could count among my trusted advisors. Does it get any better than that?

And that’s what your Circle of Trust is: a very exclusive group of your most trusted allies and advisors.

Two Timely Takeaways

With that in mind, I have two practical questions for you:

Do you know who your Circle of Trust is?
Do they feel your appreciation these days?

Final thought: Jack Byrnes was pretty darn unhealthy with his Circle. Make sure to treat yours right.

Next week, I’ll help you gather your Circle of Trust so you can get the support you need when you need it.

Your Circle of Trust: Who To Include (Pt 2 of 3)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:31:36 GMT

Jack: Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg?
Greg: Mm, yeah, I think I got it.
Jack: Then is there something you wanna tell me?
Greg: Mm, l-l don’t think so.

Meet The Parents is a painful story told playfully. Jack Byrnes placed demands on poor Greg which no one could meet. The scene with the lie detector test is one for the ages. Jack took caution to extremes, for sure.

But in fairness to Jack, we’ve all been burned in relationships. We know what it’s like to have our trust broken. So while we don’t want to be too suspicious, we don’t want to be too gullible either. But it’s a fine line.

In this article, we’ll talk about how to determine who you can trust.

A Member of My Circle

I want to mention a friend by name: Mike Sares.

When I was hospitalized with a blood clot, Mike was there. When I was struggling as a parent of teenagers, Mike was there. When I had to leave my job, Mike was there. I recently told him, “Mike, you’re bad luck.”

But seriously, Mike is my homeboy. He’s been with me through thick and thin. We’ve shared many experiences and he’s been there for me when I’ve needed him. Mike is in my Circle of Trust.

Here’s the thing: while love may be unconditional, trust isn’t. Jesus commands us to love our neighbor and even our enemy, but he doesn’t command us to trust them. Trust is earned and those in your inner circle must prove themselves trustworthy. Your Circle of Trust is an exclusive group that you gather by invitation only.

Who to Include in Your Circle of Trust

Ask yourself the following questions and see who comes to mind:

Who knows you best and loves you most?
Who has been there for you in the past?
Who understands what you’re going through?
Who respects your core values?
Who can be rational and objective…yet biased in your corner?
Who is a good listener?
Who can keep a confidence?
Who is healthy?
Who is wise?
Who won’t let you make a mess of things?

This is my list. I’d love to know what your criteria for trust might look like.

In our next conversation, we’ll discuss how to gather and activate your Circle of Trust. And how to reciprocate so the relationship is life-giving to both of you.

Your Circle of Trust: How to Gather It (Pt 3 of 3)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:27:54 GMT

Jack: Greg, nice work with the cat today.
Greg: Aw, thanks, Jack. I’m just glad I could help out. Listen, we never did get to finish that little “convo” back at the den. So, when you have a minute, there is still something I’d like to talk to you about.
Jack: We’ll get right to it as soon as we get back. You have my word.
Greg: I’m gonna hold you to that. Circle of trust.
Jack: Guess who’s back in the circle of trust?

The only thing harder than getting into the Byrnes family Circle of Trust was staying in it. One minute, Greg is in Jack’s good graces, the next he’s on the outs. It doesn’t have to be that way.

In this article, I’ll share steps for gathering your Circle of Trust. It starts with two matters of mindset, followed by three simple steps you can do here and now.

Mindset #1: Adjust Your Expectations

When our trust has been broken, it’s natural to build walls of protection around us. These walls can take the form of excessively high expectations of our loved ones. Jack Byrnes demanded perfection of his friends and family. That’s a lot of pressure. Our Circle of Trust DOES NOT NEED to:

…fix everything for us
…be available around the clock
…agree with us 100% of the time
…be free of human flaws

Jesus was let down by his disciples many times. Remember the night the Romans came looking for him? His homeboys ran like roaches in every direction. It deeply disappointed him, but he knew he didn’t have perfect friends. Either do we. Every Circle of Trust is composed of imperfect people but if we right-size our expectations, we’ll love, appreciate, and show them mercy. And they’ll do the same for us.

Mindset #2: Cultivate Your Community

My wife and I have a vegetable garden In our backyard. It gives us cucumbers for our salads, berries for our smoothies, and mint for our mojitos. Do you know why we have this wonderful organic garden? Because Bonnie takes the time to plant, water, weed, and feed it.

Like a gardener, we must cultivate our Circle of Trust. This takes intentionality, sacrifice, and hard work. Fail to realize this and you’ll experience deep disappointment in people. Don’t sit back and hope that safe, supportive relationships will just happen. That’s like hoping cucumbers will just sprout in your backyard. Gardens don’t just happen; weeds just happen.

You can’t make trustworthy people magically appear in your life. But you can plant and water the seeds. With these two mindsets in place, you’re ready for a three-step strategy for gathering your Circle of Trust. Here goes…

1. Make a List of Names.

Stop and name people who know you, love you, and are in your corner. They’re there, but easily overlooked. Think of relatives. Think of old friends. Don’t overlook the obvious. Reach for a slip of paper, your journal, or your phone. Call the list something like, “My Circle of Trust”, or “People in My Corner”. You can always revise your list, but you can’t revise what you don’t start. Take one minute to start now.

2. Pray a Quick Prayer.

As you gaze at your list of people who know, love, and support you, you will feel some things. One is gratitude. So stop and thank God for these folks. Ask him to bless and provide for them. Who knows what they’re up against as we speak? Ask God to send his angels to guide and protect them. This might be the best thing you do all day. Do it now.

3. Send a Brief Text.

This is my favorite part. Reach for your phone and send a text to one or more folks on your list. You might say something like:

“Hi, Grandma.

An article I’m reading challenged me to make a list of people who love me, people I really trust…and you came to mind. I just wanted to thank you for always being in my corner. I hope I can return your kindness somehow.

with love, me.”

These steps are just a start…

But don’t be surprised at how people respond. You’re bound to get replies from a text like that. When you do, savor the connection and follow your heart. If nothing else, you’ve affirmed and appreciated some people, making life richer for them and for you.

In times of trouble, I have people I can call upon. You can too. Let me know how it goes.

What’s Right With Your Kid?

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:27:53 GMT

“Garcia, no one likes a show-off.” Ouch. That one hurt, especially in front of my classmates. But 7th grade me needed to hear that comment and Mr. B cared enough to call me out. Kids need tough love sometimes. But that’s not all they need. Along with correction, kids need encouragement. With the stressors they face today, they need adults who are in their corner. They need help with behavior issues, to be sure. But they also need to discover their strengths. They need to know what’s right with them.

What’s Right With Your Kid?

Dr. Mary Reckmeyer helps parents and teachers focus on kids’ strengths. In her book, “Strengths-based Parenting,” she tells the story of a fourth-grader named Steve (no relation). Steve wasn’t good at reading, math, or making friends. By the time Dr. Mary was called in, Steve was weary from his struggles. So were his parents. “Yes, you can test him,” they said, “but he’s had lots of tests and we already know what’s wrong with him.” But they didn’t know much about what was right with him. Do you know what’s right with your kids? I’m sure we all want to focus on strengths, but how do you do it?

Catch ‘Em Doing Something Right

As it turned out, Steve liked to draw. And in his own quirky way, he was funny. And when he felt more comfortable with Dr. Mary, his sense of humor peaked out. She came to enjoy little Steve and he could feel it. His parents began to display his drawings and tune in when he chose to speak. Steve didn’t become the next Picasso or Charles Schultz. But he did find a creative outlet and began to feel comfortable in his own skin. By the end of the fifth grade, his peers knew him as “the funny kid who could draw.” Every kid needs someone in their corner…someone who doesn’t just see what’s wrong but what’s right with them.

Strengths-Spotting

Dr. Mary shares: “A 23-year longitudinal study of 1,000 children in New Zealand found that a child’s personality at age 3 shows remarkable similarity to his or her reported personality traits at age 26.” That means you can begin spotting a child’s strengths pretty early. Do you know what to look for?

What To Look For

StrengthsFinder is the best tool for learning what’s right with people, their God-given talents. But it’s not designed for children and the thirty-four strengths can be hard to decipher. That’s why the research team at Gallup distilled those thirty-four talents into just ten for kids. Briefly, they are:
Achieving: high-energy, self-starter, loves a challenge and getting things done
Caring: includer, devoted, cheerleader, nurturer, has a big heart
Competing: go-getter, sees things in life as a game, feels joy when winning
Confidence: risk-taker, leader, independent, no lack of self-assurance
Dependability: reliable, loyal, driven, intent on keeping promises
Discoverer: explorer, learner, likes to ask, “How?” and “Why?”
Future Thinker: imaginative, hopeful, expressive, loves to think big
Organizer: structured, rule-follower, organizing their world makes life better
Presence: performer, outgoing, star, loves to tell stories and make others laugh
Relating: connector, greeter, team player, makes and keeps friends

I can further unpack these terms in the future. But if you simply know they exist and start looking for them, you’re on the right track.

Four Clues to Kids’ Strengths

Dr. Mary gives four clues to kids’ talents:

Yearnings : What activities or environments is your child repeatedly drawn to or eager to try?
Rapid learning: What new skills or activities does your child pick up quickly and easily?
Satisfaction: Which activities is she excited about doing again and again?
Timelessness: When does your child become so engrossed that she seems to lose track of time?

Little Steve made it through a rough patch in his elementary school journey. Your kids can too. These tools can help. Thoughts? Questions? Snide remarks? I’d love to hear them!

Vital Friends – So Important, So Elusive

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:27:52 GMT

“During our teenage years, we spend nearly one-third of our time with friends. For the rest of our lives, the average time spent with friends is less than 10%.” – Tom Rath

Friendship in adulthood isn’t easy. It’s different than the friendships we had as kids.

I met David Cervantes in Mrs. Wallen’s kindergarten class. In the years to come, we shared countless hangouts, sleepovers, and juvenile escapades. We hung out at each other’s homes and became part of each other’s families. As teens, we stayed up late and talked about everything. In our 8th grade year, we got arrested for curfew and spent a night in a jail cell together. We were inseparable. Thing One and Thing Two.

In 2019, after losing touch for so many years, Dave and I reunited. When he came to the door, we looked at each other, burst into laughter, embraced…and started to cry.

Friendship as Adults

As adult life unfolds, friendships look different. We take different paths and meet new people. We get jobs, find love, start families, move around, and go through changes. Friendship as adults can still be wonderful, but as Ringo Starr said, “it don’t come easy.”

Tom Rath is the author of Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without. In this book, he underscores how important friendship is, how it can enrich our body and soul. He quotes Eugene Kennedy, Ph.D., who says, “Friendship has a profound effect on your physical well-being. Having good relationships improves health and lifts depressions. You don’t necessarily need drugs or medical treatment to accomplish this — just friends.”

But if friendship for adults is important, it can be elusive as well.

Vital But Elusive

Did your mom ever arrange play dates for you? In such cases, she may have had a friend with a kid your age, so “voilà!” — you have a friend too. Whew. Glad that’s over. Of course, mom meant well. She didn’t want us to be alone and friendless. And without her around to make such arrangements, we have to figure out friendship as adults ourselves.

As I reflect on this, I feel grateful for my friendships. Some go back years, even decades. For instance, I meet my good friend Jon Holm every week for coffee. I’ve done so for over thirty years. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Good friends make your life better. You do the same for them. Rather than stress and drama, a true friend sparks joy.

And don’t forget that most vital of relationships, marriage. Friendship fuels this relationship. Commitment matters and sex is a gift. But don’t forget the role of companionship, sharing, playfulness, and growth. Otherwise, we get distracted, go through changes, and lose sight of the basic, essential elements so key to all relationships. As Friedrich Nietzsche said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Eight Vital Friends

Friends are one of the sweetest things on earth…if you nurture relationships in healthy ways. Here’s a key: be aware of the different kinds of friends you might need. Here’s Tom Rath’s list of vital friends:

The Champion – “I’ve got your back.”
The Collaborator – “We have things in common.”
The Companion – “I’ll be here for you.”
The Connector – “I can hook you up.”
The Energizer – “Let’s have fun!”
The Mind Opener – “Ever think about this?”
The Navigator – “I’ll help you find the way.”

That’s quite a list, right? There’s a lot there and we’ll explore them next week. For now, remember this: your best friendships don’t have to be in the past. Truly vital friends are much nearer than you think if you have eyes to see.

Takeaways:

I’ll share more on Vital Friends next week. For now, please share your thoughts in the comment box below:

Who’s coming to mind for you?
What kind of friend is missing?
What kind of friend are you?

Vital Friend #1: The Friend Who Pushes You (The Builder)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:27:51 GMT

It was author Rita Mae Brown who said, “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.” I think that can be said of certain friends too. Without their encouragement and accountability, we struggle to reach for the stars. Consider this story of a reluctant hero who got her business done.

Bonnie is a Registered Nurse in a pediatric practice. She is also an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. If that sounds impressive, it’s because it is. It takes a lot of study to earn your “IBCLC” credentials. Bonnie helps sleep-deprived moms stop crying by helping their babies feed. Someone called her “The Baby Whisperer” and that’s what she is. She’s good at what she does.

But Bonnie needed a push to pursue her certification.

It had been a while since she’d been a student, so she felt intimidated. And Bonnie is not impulsive. She looks before she leaps. In this case, she looked and looked and looked. Then she looked some more. She needed a push and it came from her sons.

Daniel might say, “Mom, you can do this.” Nate would add, “Mom, you should definitely do this.” Johnny might ask, “Hey, Mom…have you signed up yet?” And they’d all chime in, saying, “Mom, what are you afraid of? You got this!”

Basically, they said things I had said before to little effect. The difference was, they were her boys and can push her in ways I can’t. And she’s glad they did.

We All Need a Push Sometimes

Who gives you a push when you need it?
Who challenges you to stretch and grow?
Who believes in you and calls you to be bold, to bet on yourself, to take a big leap?
Who expects you to be somebody?

Whoever comes to mind is playing the role of “the Builder.”

Can You Spot the Builders in Your Life?

In his book, Vital Friends, author Tom Rath says that Builders are:

Great motivators, always pushing you toward the finish line
People who invest in your development and want you to succeed
Generous with their time, willing to go out on a limb for you
Friends who focus on your strengths and what you do well

In my life, Builders don’t let me feel sorry for myself. They tell me to get back on my pony and ride. They help me level-up my game.

If you want to be a slug or if you want to coast in your comfort zone, stay away from the Builder. They won’t let you get away with it.

Build You Up or Hold You Back?

Some people drag us down. Bad company corrupts good goal-setting. Don’t expect people with no genuine ambitions to encourage you in yours.

Of course, people don’t have to be horrible to hold you back. Good people do it too. They care but can’t help imposing their fears and limiting beliefs on you.

In 1998, I dreamt about starting a church. I needed help discerning if this was a God-thing or just one more of my crazy ideas. I asked a wise and godly man his opinion. He cautioned me against it. “You’ve got a wife and little ones to think about,” he said.

Turns out he’d had a bad experience church planting when he was young. He didn’t want that for me. He meant no harm. But if I had listened to him, there would be no Celebration Community Church today.

Taking My Big Leap

In contrast, there’s Morgan McKenna, a leadership consultant, coach, artist, and healer.

Morgan is also a Builder.

She got to know me, listened to my heart, and encouraged me to make space to listen to God. She saw my call to coaching and lifelong yearning to become a writer. She saw things changing in my church, saw a brighter future for me, and saw regret if I held onto the status quo too long.

“Steve,” she said. “I’m going with my brother to his 50th high school reunion this Friday. Do you know what I’m going to see there? A lot of people struggling with health issues who feel like their best days are behind them. You know what I’m not going to see? A lot of people launching a coaching business and authoring books.”

I sat riveted as she gave me a much-needed push: “You’re 58 and at the height of your game. Your health is good and you’ve got vision and energy. You know what you want may not see that you have a limited time to do it. If not now, when?”

I took it in, thought it over, and said, “Now.”

Takeaways…

Who are the Builders in your life. Make a quick list.
Where do you need a push? What is it time for you to pursue or do?
Invite your builders to push you towards your goals and dreams. Invite them directly.
Thank them for caring enough to kick you in the butt.
Be the Builder when a friend, family member, or team member wants you to (and sometimes when they don’t).

Please leave a comment on my blog page at getyourbusinessdone.com/blog
Or write me at coaching@getyourbusinessdone.com

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Vital Friend #2: The Friend Who Fights For You (The Champion)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:27:50 GMT

You’ve heard the expression, “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” But what do you call a guy who is both?

Ted Lasso.

The hero of the Emmy-winning adult comedy TV series is a good-natured, people-loving, underdog you can’t help but root for. Especially since the deck is stacked against him from the start. He’s a guy in over his head, mocked by players, fans, the press, and even the owner who hired him. Ted has no shot. But no one should underestimate Ted Lasso.

“Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?”
“I do. But more importantly, I believe they need to believe in themselves.”

Ted is a good guy. He’s a believer. And he’s what Dostoyevski called Alyosha Karamazov — a “lover of humankind.” What’s more, Ted is much tougher than he seems. He’s a lover and a fighter. This leads to today’s question:

Who fights for you?

See the Champion

Somewhere along the way you’re going to need someone to stand up for you. Whether in the locker room or the board room, somewhere, some time, you’re going to need a Champion.

In his book, Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without, Tom Rath describes Champions as friends who…

accept you and sing your praises
have your back, standing by you under pressure
can’t tolerate dishonesty, but can keep a confidence
are proud of your successes and share them with others
thrive on your accomplishments and happiness
stand up for your beliefs and promote your cause
are your best advocates

The Champion is the friend who loves you, believes in you, and most of all fights for you. These are the homies who stand by you when you’re outnumbered.

Who’s got your back? Who defends you when you’re under attack?

You need to see the people who stand by you, Recognize what a gift a loyal friend is. Do you see them? Will you free them to do what they do?

Free The Champion

There I stood, at the water fountain, a helpless little guy, when a big kid walked up and said, “Hey, punky first-grader! Last year you were in kindergarten. I’m in the second grade.” I don’t know who the kid was, but he clearly had the grade-school pecking order thing down. I stood there trembling.

Just then Vinny Serino walked up. Vincent “Vinny” Serino lived across the street. He was a fifth-grader and towered over the little bully, Vinny stared down at him and said: “Hey, punky second-grader. Last year you were in the first grade.” And that was that. The bully ran away and I was okay. Vinny stood up for me. Vinny was the man. Vinny was my Champion.

But what if I’d have said, “Hey, Vinny, mind your own business!”? Or if I began to defend the bully? I might lose an advocate and find myself short on allies when I might need them.

Your Champions will fight for you if you let them . So let them. Let them know you appreciate them. A real Champion will also fight with you for your own sake — calling you to self-advocacy and strength — if you let them.

Free your Champions to do what they do best — fight for you and your cause.

Be The Champion

My oldest son, Nate, is a lover and a fighter.

When he was younger, he talked of becoming a lawyer. In that season of time, I remember telling him, “If you do become an attorney, I want you defending me.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because,” I said, “I know that if you’re arguing my case and we lose, it’s because I’m guilty.”

Nate has always been smart, tenacious, and articulate. And he fights for the people he loves. I saw this in 2020, a difficult year of change and transition for me, Nate was a trusted ally, always in my corner. Was he always objective? No. Did he always say I was right? No. But I didn’t need him to. I just needed him on my side, looking out for me and for my well-being. Nate did just that.

Sometimes you need to be the Champion. Nate the Great has grown up to do just that. Not just for me, but for women and men coming home from prison. The deck is stacked against these people. They’re mocked and in over their heads. They have no shot. But no one should underestimate them. Nate doesn’t.

He loves, believes in, and fights for them and their families. He has chosen to be the Champion.

Look around you now. Who is getting picked on? Who is being targeted or overlooked? Is there someone in a vulnerable position who needs an advocate? Maybe you’re in a position of power — will you use it to be a voice for the voiceless? Maybe you have no clout — will you speak up anyway?

Takeaway Questions…

Can you see who has been a Champion for you? (List them here.)
Who is free to play this role in your life? (Invite them to do so.)
For whom should you be a Champion? (Who needs you to step up for them right now?)

Cut and paste your answer to any of these questions into the comments box on my blog page at getyourbusinessdone.com/blog
Or write me at coaching@getyourbusinessdone.com

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Vital Friend #3: The Friend You Have Things in Common With (The Collaborator)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 01:05:05 GMT

Collaborator friendships are built around things we have in common. They may be shared experiences, interests, ambitions, or values. Think about…

the heroic missions of first responders, soldiers, and social workers
the passionate hobbies of sports fans, avid concert-goers, and video gamers
the heartbeats of people of faith, people committed to social change, and political activists

While Builders motivate you to reach your potential and Champions fight for you, Collaborator friends share passions and pursuits that matter to you.

Can you think of some Collaborator friends right now?

How Collaborative Friends Meet

You have met friends at work, at church, and in lots of other places. Sometimes we’ve signed up for an event and ended up with a friend. Starting a new job may mean finding a new friend. You discover you like the same music, movies, or books and something just clicks. Don’t miss this: it was your mutual interest in something that first brought you together.

The story of the three young women pictured above can teach us three things about Collaborative friendships.

Collaborative Friends Often Have Their Workplace in Common

Ruth, Jaz, and Char met as members of my team. They did amazing work, brought heartfelt commitment, and made significant contributions. They also struck up a lasting friendship.

I reached out to these three friends, asking them to respond to this question: What is the value of having friends at work?

Ruth said, “Friends help us, build us up, and cheer us on. Relationship leads to trust, love, and care.”

You may not have come to the job to find friends, but when you stumble upon them, it’s a wonderful side benefit. And it’s beneficial to your operation too, as Ruth added: “My friendships with Jaz and Char helped me become a healthier person in the workplace.”

Collaborative Friends Have Things in Common (but not everything)

When we are very young, making friends is fairly straightforward. When you’re a second-grader, you go to school and everyone around you is (you guessed it) in the second grade. You have a lot in common from the get-go.

That changes in adulthood, but friendships can still sprout, As Char describes:

“What I loved about working with Ruth and Jaz was that I always had someone to talk to about life. Even though we weren’t the same age or from the same places, we really connected. We had different cultural backgrounds but we connected through food and many other things.”

Even if there are significant differences between us, we can find we have a lot in common — such as affection. As Char said about her besties:

“I looked forward to going to work because I loved seeing them.”

Collaborative Friends Help Us Survive and Thrive

According to a Gallup report, the three biggest reasons women gave for working are:

Income
Purpose
Friendship

—“Women in America: Work and Life Well-Lived” (https://www.gallup.com/workplace/238070/women-america-work-life-lived-insights-business-leaders.aspx)

Women care about income-earning and job satisfaction, but that’s not all. Relationships matter and can make work work for you. As Jaz said:

“Having friends at work makes work more fun. Time goes by faster and the workload doesn’t feel so long and tedious. With these two wonderful ladies in my life, I had someone to share my wins and my frustrations with.”

Bosses need to realize that women (and men!) want more from their jobs than a paycheck or a job title. They also want honest-to-goodness friends to share life with. As Jaz said:

“They understood the situations I was in and knew me. They were always in my support corner, to listen and encourage me. I knew I could trust them.”

Takeaways…

Who are the friends you truly have things in common with?
Have you ever had a best friend at work?
What difference does a friend like that make?